Long time no chat

Long time no chat.  The long and short of it is I’ve been feeling like I’ve ran a marathon then lost  a MMA fight in the third round.  A “beat dink” is the description I will utilize for a synopsis of the above verbal vomit.

After transplant I thought I would be able to rebound quickly.  Another life experience where I learn the hard way.  Days have been tough feeling as if an elephant has been taking a free ride on my back.  Barely able to move around the house with constant nausea, fatigue and dismay from my disposition.  Sporadic bouts of vomiting due to my belief that aftet 3-4 weeks post chemo I would be fine without anti nausea drugs.  I have made this gamble and lost a number of times, I’m hard headed, we know that.

I’ve attempted the gym a few times with success relative to my state, but every time the next day would let me know I’m not the man I was and the road to recovery would be a little more difficult than expected.  I’m ok with that reality and have continued to push with the acceptance of the facts.

What this means I guess is a little maturity having been supplanted or rather driven like a stake into me over my previous 8 years.  It’s extremely tough for an individual like myself to come face to face with not only my mortality, but realization that I can’t maneuver my body in the manner desired.  I’ve been in similar circumstances before, but to be brutally honest, this time appears to be worse. 

For the first time I’ve had to digest, realize and implement my own philosophy on a conscious level meaning openly debating my actions rather than spontaneously flying through life.  Maybe the rock in my life has something to do with this scenario, Alex, along with my aging, whatever it is, its my reality and I accept it.

My days have been basic from my perspective.  Sleeping in to 9-10, a time of sleep I don’t think I’ve known since college.  If I had the appetite I would down a cup of juice, a bottle of water and maybe a bowl of cereal.  Much of my days would be spent inside watching the golf channel in and out of frequent naps.  Frequent hour and half drives to Medical City Dallas to check my blood levels have become a bearable annoyance, but a reality.

Early last week when I had fully expected to be on the path to working out, playing golf and eating as I was accustomed to, I felt close to the worse I have in a while.  When we went in to the doctors office a few things were confirmed.  My blood pressure was 90 over 40, my white cells were in the tank and my red cell counts were at the bottom or below normal.  A few hours later after hydration and a shot of neupogen, Alex and I made our way home.  Things would be on the upturn hopefully in the coming days.

Ok then enough of my wining.  This week has truly been a turn around for the better starting this weekend with a few good visits to the gym and a noticeable increase in over all energy.

I look back to 2005 and realize how weak I was and know that the present isn’t nearly as bad as it was then.  Back then I was bed ridden for close to 6 months with severe atrophy taking place.  This time I’ve lost around 20 lbs of muscle, but my strength baseline has dropped only fractionally compared to that time frame.

Now when I incline bench press I have trouble moving 185 lbs two-6 times when, just a month and half ago, I could move 250 with ease.  I have a goal and know it will take time, I’m not worried.

A good friend a number of years ago gave some great advice he received from his older brother when times were tough and it appeared he had too much on his plate.  His advice was to take all of the appearing tasks, objectives, goals and chaos and align them in a row so you can systematically knock them out in a row.  This accomplishes a myriad of affects, firstly it organizes the chaos in your head, it allows you to prioritize once you have a linear path, and it grants you early and frequent gratification for knocking individual tasks out. 

Take for example the daily to do checklist and apply it on a grander scale in life.  For me now my physical rehab and progression is at the fore front of my recovery.  I’m lucky because I’ve been here before, but I still have to implement this strategy and continually adjust for variables out of my control.  That’s life and its our choice to navigate it in our own means. 

It’s now early September and most of my blood levels are normalizing with the exception  of my white cell counts.  I had to get another booster shot yesterday because they were again at a very low level.  What I didn’t realize was that when these levels are low you feel like the description I gave in the first paragraph.  I look forward to the point when they level out and the rollercoaster of fatigue vs. normalcy subsides.  It will happenJ

Cheers to all and I will talk to you soon.

Andy

Being a "Bitch"

The following is me standing up on my soap box for my realization the other day that I was being a bitch, basically the reality that I was living scared and worried about things I shouldn’t have been.  Even with my current disposition at handJ

Being a “Bitch” Barometer is my topic for discussion on this soap box adventureJ   Before we get started let me give you an overall or generic definition of” Bitch” in these contexts.  Not the derogatory meaning associated with a sexist individual toward a woman that is commonly known or should be.  Rather it’s the equivalent of a 6 year old crying because he can’t get the latest and greatest video game, not realizing a very large percentage of his/hers peers don’t even know when their next meal will come.  Or a man who cries when he gets a splinter, generally his friends would say, “what a bitch!” Get it, it revolves around a general situational awareness that allows you to suck things up or notJ  You can also call this thing a meter, what matters is the comedy involved in erecting one and the understanding behind is actual presence in every day life. 

This barometer is attained via numerous routes, however the main one comes from your upbringing and general circumstances you have lived.  A large variable is your gene pool and how you were raised.  This trait can be learned and often is through arduous circumstances in life that give us this opportunity.  Not all have this ability, but its manifestation is available to all.  

Here’s a few examples of individuals with a high barometer for being a bitch, meaning this trait is in their combined traits.  Brett Favre and his performance for 20 years in the NFL with numerous injuries.  Lance Armstrong for what he did post cancer.  The guy this Olympics who in track and field finished his run with a broken leg.  The Marine who succumbed to the effects of drowning without grabbing the ledge during my pool faze at basic reconnaissance course. He did this because he had too much pride to grab the ledge so he just passed out!  He was saved by the instructors.  Michael A Monsoor, a Navy Seal who jumped on a grenade in Ramadi, Iraq in 2006 to save his team and, Jason Dunham, a Marine who in 2004 executed the same selfless act to save his fellow Marines in Husaybah, Iraq. They both were awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.  These are on the extreme high side, but you should get the point.  I find it highly unlikely that at any point in these individuals lives where anyone muffled, “What a Bitch.”

Some personal scenarios where I witnessed someone  “being a bitch” include: Anytime in my life I had a man order a cocktail while I was bar-tending that sounded like something out of Sex in the City;  President Clinton and his address to the national public stating, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”( come on man, admit you fucked the dog!);   All soccer players who perform academy award like performance when they get tackled in which  an 8 year old girl would get up from with no problem (Little note, I grew up playing soccerJ );  A good friend whining about how he had sore feet in college after every run we did due to his flat feet. All of the above....complete bitchy activityJ 

Your meter with this barometer is always falling or rising depending on your life and the avenues traveled.   IF you live a hard life you may not even have this barometer, but it always has the ability to creep in.  I’ll be honest and say that this barometer for me at least is both in the conscious and subconscious.  The subconscious is obviously the one I'm aware of and who I interact with mostly.  That voice, I assume, is attached to a man standing arms crossed, steel faced and eyes drawn close to project a sickness in the witness of my bitchyness.  His comments range from, “really dude?! take a Midol”, or “you are a panzy, I’d kill myself if you choose this route.”

This barometer for me at least is directly related to my pride and sense of accomplishment and I won’t assume this is the same driving force for everyone.    No worries, its what’s driven me hard most of life.

 I unfortunately realized the other day that my barometer had dropped fairly low.  Based on my current life and my transplant I was acting like a little bitch and concerned with everything restricting me from being me.  After my last appointment with my Oncologist and his answer to all of my concerns being, no Andy your good just be prudent.  I spent the hour and half ride home ragging myself for being this way, laughing mostly.

I have since woken up and I’m currently focused on increasing my barometerJ  A huge piece of this ugly pie is directly related to my loss of testosterone from lack of gym activity and probably a multitude of the medications they have me on.  That is being worked on.

Cheers, and I challenge everyone to focus on increasing your barometers for “being a bitch” in any fashion.  Know it can sway either way, but we should all attempt to make it stronger, because no one should like being called a BITCHJ  

Andy

Freedom at last

Freedom at last as of Sunday around 1pm. Three weeks was a long time in my mind to be in captivity even with my history and experience abroad and even SERE school. 

Yesterday morning I told Alex, upon learning that we were clear to go, that I would walk across the street and get us our morning coffee.  For the past two weeks I haven’t’ been allowed to leave the 11^th floor due to my levels.  For even me, I was hesitant as I walked to the doors leading to the outside.  I was a little worried about all the shit I would be exposed to.  Shut up and go pussy is what I told myselfJ

Well we got home yesterday evening after a myriad of errands were run and attempted to live the normal life.

For me it will be a huge shift from previous ways of living.  I know and understand the levels of care I need to employ in order to safe guard my body from the smallest effects of nature.  This is a tough disposition for an individual who has always been calculated, but flies by the seat of his pants. I will adjust hopefullyJ

The past two days have been nauseatingly boring, but I’ve grown accustom to life as a transplant patient, maybe slightlyJ  I visited the gym today for the first time since my in hospital workout which was minimal, due to my concern over infecting my tri-fusion line.  It was good, slow, week, but effective.

I truly felt like I had been run over  on the way home, but I was mentally ecstatic that I had went.  Back in late 2005 and early 2006 my atrophy was appalling.  When I first entered the gym lifting 95 pounds on incline was difficult when 6 months earlier I was repping away 225.  I made my plan and got back within 5 months of my old status.

Today was weak, but no where near as bad as back then.  Although when finished Alex told me the RN in my oncologist office had advised against this activity because my platelet levels could and probably were under normal.  The mental benefit to me far outweighed any consequences of this activity.  I feel great right nowJ

So we are on the path to recovery and hopefully reaping the benefits of the once discussed 50% cure rate.  I’m an optimist, but I’m also a pragmatist.  I will continue to life each day to the fullest, but know that my odds are pretty bad.  They were bad 8 years ago as wellJ

Bottom line I have to live in a lot of ways like a newborn child with my compromised immune system.  I’m sure the OCD people around me will ensure I’m taken care.  I don’t welcome the challenge, but its’ a battle that has to be waged, so I’m in.

The coming weeks and months will be tough, enlightening, fun, eye opening, daunting, as well as perplexing.  The updates will continue as will the once in while times when I step on my soap boxJ

Andy

Patience!

It’s almost been a full three weeks on lock down and to be honest it has become customary.   We are hoping to be released by this weekend based on my blood levels.

My present disposition has me receiving neupogen shots daily to boost my white cell counts much like before stem cell harvesting.  Our expectations are pretty standard for a person in my condition presently.

The last few days have been rough with the flu like symptom’s returning due to the shots and the unfortunate fact I’m a little bitch when I have the flu.  I literally deal with nausea, vomiting and all the other fun side effects of this crap better.  The kid in me I guessJ

Over the past few weeks Alex and I have had the unique opportunity to meet people from varying ways of life in our similar situations.  Alex personally has made close connections to a few of the patients as well as their caregivers.  Her compassion, caring and selfless nature is inspiring and often leave me with a huge shit eating grin on my face of sheer respect and love for her. 

I’ve been in worse places in life, but not by much.  Two patients have passed during our stay with others holding a dismal attitude gravitating towards their end.  On the flipside we’ve seen friends released and others who smile daily.  Our reality is very very real.  Our intent is set the example of how a positive mental approach and projection work.  “Pure Fucking Magic” as an old Recon instructor used to say to reconnaissance students attempting to make a 35 meter under water swim full utilities on.  It meant, mind over matter. 

Together we are making a difference in other peoples lives while dealing with our situation and are happy to do so.  Too many times in life people let opportunities to make a difference or act go by.  Sure, we’ve been one those people before, but we strive to make a difference when so many accept the “status quo” of shit today.

I can’t wait to hit the gym day one of my release.  Fully planning and preparing for the atrophy and weakness present, but excited about ripping it!

Cheers,

Andy

Day 5 after transplant....

How the hell is everyone out there?

I feel like complete dogshit, I’m always tired, feels like somebody put me in cement and threw me in water, and the ever present feeling I need to puke, but I’m living!

Day + 5 after transplant.  My blood levels are in the dump where expected and now we are waiting for my entire , with assistance, to rebuild itself. 

The last few days have been fairly rough with constant nausea, steady body aches and zero energy from the loss of blood.  It basically feels like a 200lb lead blanket has been cast over me.  I’ve received a few bags of red blood cells and fully expect to get a few more with platelets.  Kind of the game when the drugs eat up your good cellsJ

I can’t believe I’ve been locked up for two weeks now and it’s definitely looking like I’ll be in here at least another week.  Oh well, “The Dude Abides”.

The family and especially Alex have been an absolute Godsend.   Unfortunately there are numerous individuals on this floor with a mere fraction of the support compared to what I receive.  Alex takes it upon herself to seek these poor souls and assist wherever she can whether that be sharing homemade food, buying balloons or simply spending time with them.  Her spirit in action is humbling to watch.

Well off to reading, sleeping or whizzing around the floor with “Big Bertha”, my IV pump.

Cheers,

Andy

Below is a pic of all the well wishes  my friends and family have sent me from my niece and nephews, to my Second mom Mrs Daly and my old college friend Keith! I am a lucky man!

Sucking it up!

Transplant complete with little to no complications.  It took literally one hour.   Whoo Hoo!  Seriously that’s sarcasm for FML, get me out of this hospitalJ

 Chemo and its compounding effects haven’t fully set in at this point, but the coming days will surely be filled with their unpleasant reality.  I would much rather dealing with my life at home under the comfort of my own dwelling.  I must and do utilize my own advice and reminisce on numerous months in a foreign country as well as the many that are still out there and put my plight in perspective.

I’m reading as much as possible, however my ability to retain the information is thwarted by the cognitive effects of chemo.  No worries, it will come back shortly after I leave, or at least I’m hoping.  Most of you that know me say, you were this way before any of the treatment.  Touche!

Workouts are more infrequent simply because I want to avoid any infection of my Trif-Fusion line which is a definite possibility.   A silly infection that could have been prevented could warrant additional days/nights here.  I don’t want that.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers via FB and realize if you want to make a comment on the blog you have to have a gmail account.

At the most I’ll be here 2 more weeks and at the best just 10 days.  We all no what I’m pushing for, however there are numerous variable s outside of my control.

Know that everything is progressing well as of now and the biggest annoyance is shear boredom.  I’ve been in worse places, but this caged time is tough.  Makes you realize prison would suck big time not to mention you having to ford off numerous lady boys trying to violate you!  At least that’s not in my hand of cards nowJ

Have a great week and we will be in touch.

T'was the night before transplant...

This is Alex writing for Andy. He is asleep and resting well. He has completed 6 days straight of chemo, what we hope will be his LAST CHEMO ever!! Tomorrow he will get his stem cell transplant over a 4 hour process. He is currently neutropenic (severely immune compromised) which is part of the treatment, and his levels are suppose to continue to drop over the next week until the stem cells "en graph". Basic en-graphment means they find their way to the bone marrow and start to reproduce.

This chemo has been pretty rough on Andy, but you would never know it by his smile and great attitude. You see, Andy has sort of been this positive force up here on the oncology transplant floor. His charisma and good vides sorda rubs off on the nurses, the other patients and even his doctor! There have been plenty of days of nausea and body aches, and there will be many more in the days ahead as chemo tends to be like "the gift that keeps on giving"....even though it is out of your system, the effects are compounding and continue to effect you days/weeks later. Even with the yucky effects of chemo, Andy still gets out of bed and walks around the hospital in his mask toting around his IV pump (which we have named Big Bertha since she has 3 separate pumps).

Andy has been blessed with many visitors this week. His mom and dad drove in from Georgia before he checked in last week, and both of his sisters, Liz and Sarah, flew in Thursday and showered him with love until they had to leave today. Other visitors to include fellow co-workers, aunts and uncles and a dear golfing buddy Petie, all of which have reminded Andy how loved he is! This type of support really helps a man like Andy pass the time being cooped up in a hospital for 3 weeks and feeling like he has been hit by a truck in the process!

Since I have been staying with Andy the whole time during his treatment I have really gotten to know many of the other patients on the floor. The entire 11th floor where Andy is staying is dedicated to only transplant patients being treated for blood cancers. There is a 32 year old girl named Kiki who is battling leukemia and has as spunky an attitude as Andy! Then there is the 3 year old little boy who's leukemia has relapsed and is here being re-treated. He has stolen everyone's hearts and is certainly the star of the transplant floor. In the room next to us is a 55+ year old man who underwent an Allogenic (from a donor) stem cell transplant and is suffering from Graph vs Hosts Disease. His wife is such a sweet woman who comes to see him every day after working her full time job. Oh yeah and the other 60+ year old man who has been battling lymphoma for over 8 years and is here undergoing an autologous transplant. He has has no family in town to come visit or to be by his bedside, which he conveniently mentioned to me in passing tonight while heating up soup for Andy. Andy and I will stop by tomorrow if able to visit him and make a cognitive effort to let him know we support him! It really puts everything in perspective! Andy is so blessed to have such a wonderful and loving family who has been through this all 8 years with his. There is always someone else wit
h their own plight which is often times just as hard if not harder than your own. Remember that!


Cheers,
Alex