Long time no chat

Long time no chat.  The long and short of it is I’ve been feeling like I’ve ran a marathon then lost  a MMA fight in the third round.  A “beat dink” is the description I will utilize for a synopsis of the above verbal vomit.

After transplant I thought I would be able to rebound quickly.  Another life experience where I learn the hard way.  Days have been tough feeling as if an elephant has been taking a free ride on my back.  Barely able to move around the house with constant nausea, fatigue and dismay from my disposition.  Sporadic bouts of vomiting due to my belief that aftet 3-4 weeks post chemo I would be fine without anti nausea drugs.  I have made this gamble and lost a number of times, I’m hard headed, we know that.

I’ve attempted the gym a few times with success relative to my state, but every time the next day would let me know I’m not the man I was and the road to recovery would be a little more difficult than expected.  I’m ok with that reality and have continued to push with the acceptance of the facts.

What this means I guess is a little maturity having been supplanted or rather driven like a stake into me over my previous 8 years.  It’s extremely tough for an individual like myself to come face to face with not only my mortality, but realization that I can’t maneuver my body in the manner desired.  I’ve been in similar circumstances before, but to be brutally honest, this time appears to be worse. 

For the first time I’ve had to digest, realize and implement my own philosophy on a conscious level meaning openly debating my actions rather than spontaneously flying through life.  Maybe the rock in my life has something to do with this scenario, Alex, along with my aging, whatever it is, its my reality and I accept it.

My days have been basic from my perspective.  Sleeping in to 9-10, a time of sleep I don’t think I’ve known since college.  If I had the appetite I would down a cup of juice, a bottle of water and maybe a bowl of cereal.  Much of my days would be spent inside watching the golf channel in and out of frequent naps.  Frequent hour and half drives to Medical City Dallas to check my blood levels have become a bearable annoyance, but a reality.

Early last week when I had fully expected to be on the path to working out, playing golf and eating as I was accustomed to, I felt close to the worse I have in a while.  When we went in to the doctors office a few things were confirmed.  My blood pressure was 90 over 40, my white cells were in the tank and my red cell counts were at the bottom or below normal.  A few hours later after hydration and a shot of neupogen, Alex and I made our way home.  Things would be on the upturn hopefully in the coming days.

Ok then enough of my wining.  This week has truly been a turn around for the better starting this weekend with a few good visits to the gym and a noticeable increase in over all energy.

I look back to 2005 and realize how weak I was and know that the present isn’t nearly as bad as it was then.  Back then I was bed ridden for close to 6 months with severe atrophy taking place.  This time I’ve lost around 20 lbs of muscle, but my strength baseline has dropped only fractionally compared to that time frame.

Now when I incline bench press I have trouble moving 185 lbs two-6 times when, just a month and half ago, I could move 250 with ease.  I have a goal and know it will take time, I’m not worried.

A good friend a number of years ago gave some great advice he received from his older brother when times were tough and it appeared he had too much on his plate.  His advice was to take all of the appearing tasks, objectives, goals and chaos and align them in a row so you can systematically knock them out in a row.  This accomplishes a myriad of affects, firstly it organizes the chaos in your head, it allows you to prioritize once you have a linear path, and it grants you early and frequent gratification for knocking individual tasks out. 

Take for example the daily to do checklist and apply it on a grander scale in life.  For me now my physical rehab and progression is at the fore front of my recovery.  I’m lucky because I’ve been here before, but I still have to implement this strategy and continually adjust for variables out of my control.  That’s life and its our choice to navigate it in our own means. 

It’s now early September and most of my blood levels are normalizing with the exception  of my white cell counts.  I had to get another booster shot yesterday because they were again at a very low level.  What I didn’t realize was that when these levels are low you feel like the description I gave in the first paragraph.  I look forward to the point when they level out and the rollercoaster of fatigue vs. normalcy subsides.  It will happenJ

Cheers to all and I will talk to you soon.

Andy